Every week, since late August this year, I’ve been pitting two of the wildest hot takes on the internet against each other to decide which is worse. "Worst" is obviously subjective, but the aim here has always been to deconstruct the absurd; opinions that are borne from sheer contrarianism, or the most self-serving twists of logic. Because that's the amazing thing about Twitter, online journalism and "take culture" at large: the buffet of reactions. Put simply, there is no angle too acute that someone won’t try to squeeze themselves through it. Advertisem*nt
Tired: The really sad thing about the mistaken incident at Oxford Circus is that it shows how conditioned people are to expect terrorism.Wired: The really sad thing about the mistaken incident at Oxford Circus is that it drove people away from the high streets and into the arms of online retailers. – Angus47. Roy Moore defenders arguing that his sexual misconduct with minors was acceptable because "Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter". – Alabama voters.46. There are too many foreigners in the Premier League – Sam Allardyce, Paul Merson
Plenty of the English Premier League’s old soaks had a whinge about the lack of opportunities for British coaches this year, despite the fact British managers have accounted for 75 percent of all managerial appointments in English leagues over the last six seasons. Also despite the farce that is the indestructible nature of Pardew, Moyes, Hodgson et al’s careers – bouncing from one high-profile failure to another with seemingly no dent on their reputations or employability. Not that this stopped Allardyce from having a proper "drunk dad bonding fiercely with taxi driver" rant on the subject, of course. – Angus Advertisem*nt
Roy Keane could kick the f*ck out of any chess set in the world. Roy Keane will batter any poncey bishop you send his way any night of the week. Roy Keane’s skull is so robust he can’t understand why anyone would think twice before sacrificing their lives for the entertainment of others. – Alex43. Piers Morgan defending the right of white girls everywhere to say the N-word.42. German DJ Konstantin telling an interviewer he finds it unfair how heavily promoted female DJs are, especially considering they are usually worse than men at DJing.41. The political editor of The Sun telling the Queen to crawl to the Cenotaph.
Massive, massive shout from the political editor of The Sun , who this year sent for none other than her Majesty the Queen. When it was announced Prince Charles would be carrying the wreath to the Cenotaph instead of her, due to her age, Tom Newton Dunn tweeted “as long as you can still walk, or crawl, honouring the war dead is not a task you can delegate”, thus creating one of 2017’s most powerful images: a 91-year-old Royal crawling through horrifying silence towards the cenotaph on live television. A poignant and fitting tribute to our war-dead, I’m sure you’ll agree. – Angus40. The Daily Mail describing Theresa May as the "New Iron Lady". Advertisem*nt
David Beckham, via Wikicommons, photo by the Democratic Alliance
Is this a hot take? I don’t know. I feel like “if it’s not a knighthood they can f*ck off” is sort of a hot take. It’s definitely a “take” on altruism. The take being: charity is a transaction. I put in time and money, and I get out a knighthood. Anyway, great line, that. “If it’s not a knighthood they can f*ck off.” Back of the net! – Angus Advertisem*nt
Sheriff Clarke’s brain is mostly filled with lust for badges and guilt over the death of babies in his jails, so it’s perhaps unfair to waste too much time scrutinising his mental effusions. Nevertheless, his attack on the Floridian House of Reps member for looking like a buffoon in a cowboy hat has to take the biscuit for least self-aware statement of the year. – Alex Advertisem*nt
Respect to Nigel, a man who loves fa*gs so much he is prepared to call the World Health Organisation out in their defence. – Angus23. The Sun's Trevor Kavanagh calling for a solution to "the Muslim Problem”.22. The Sun's Trevor Kavanagh claiming he didn't know the phrase "the Muslim Problem" would be compared to the phrase "the Jewish Problem".21. The UKIP MEP who reckons Henry VIII should lead the Brexit negotiations.20. "Depression isn't real." – Kickboxer Andrew Tate.
19. "I’m very sad that people have lost their homes, but there are a lot of people here who have bought flats and will now see the values drop." – Resident of the luxury development in Kensington, in which Grenfell families were due to be rehoused.18. Theresa May’s conference speech was a sign of her resolve – Quentin Letts.Professional odd little bloke Quentin Letts is here to deliver a combo of backhanded compliments worthy of a Tekken tag tournament. Somehow in his quest to lick a little bit of May’s boot he manages to call her the “old girl” with a “beak”, compares her to a “carthorse” and says her speech was the first time “Mrs May was not boring”. He tops it all off with a truly spectacular finisher, claiming because she did a sh*t speech with a cough, “Brexit should be a cinch.” Breathtaking. – Alex Advertisem*nt Advertisem*nt
This charming guy pulled off one of the biggest self-bodyings of the year when he tried to argue that the BBC were biased because they only ever let stupid people talk about Brexit. The fact that he was, himself, talking about Brexit on the BBC flew straight over his bow-tied head. –Angus12. "Do the people organising a women's march against Donald Trump realise it's precisely this sort of stuff that led to Donald Trump." – Dan Hodges2016 Political Commentator of the Year Dan Hodges coming through with a Möbius strip of a bad take. The more you run your finger around its singular flat side the less sense it makes. Gaze upon it and listen to the sound of your brain crunching against itself like a faulty gearbox. Stare deep into Hodges’ soul and behold the embodiment of Britain’s intellectually bankrupt commentariat. – Alex11. The alt-right arguing Wolfenstein II – a game about killing Nazis – is racist to white people.
10. "Moonlight is a film for a non-black, non-gay, non-working class, chin-stroking, self-regarding, turbo smug audience." – Camilla LongSmug white person Camilla Long criticises film directed by a black man for being made for smug white people. Bit of a paradox, that, but hey, no one expects tedious contrarians to be coherent or insightful. – Alex9. Richard Madeley suggesting everyone should boo at trains.
Madeley is the sort of man who likes to make things happen. I respect this about Madeley. He is a man who will click his fingers at injustice and tell it to "Shift! Oi, shift!" The sort of bloke who says “oh just bin the lot” on a regular basis. The type of man who grabs the world by the scruff of its neck and forces it to explain itself. This year, while doing some stand-in hosting on The Wright Stuff , he literally said that Southern Rail were running such a bad service, people should start booing their trains. That’ll do it. – Angus Advertisem*nt Advertisem*nt
There’s something almost quaint about gammon men getting irate about health and safety laws. It harks back to a time before we all lived with a vague grey dread in our stomachs. But this diatribe goes beyond the usual red tape rage and actually becomes an argument against repairing the clock at all. Quite a feat to graduate from despising safety precautions to refuting the concept of entropy. It’s not a magic clock you know, Nick. It’s just a f*cking clock, mate. –Alex3. Australian MP Bob Katter on the gay marriage bill.
Lord, thank you for bringing Bob Katter into my life this year. It’s been a long one, tiring at times, but clicking that link and listening to his plummy Aussie voice chucking about “sexual proclivities”… bliss. I can think of nothing finer. Yes, his hot take is terrible – let’s not debate gay marriage, because: crocodiles – but when it’s delivered with such lovable volatility, who can argue with it. Let a thousand blossoms bloom indeed! – Angus Advertisem*nt
Paul Joseph Watson lives in a bunker somewhere in Sheffield safe from the tyranny of multiculturalism, feminism and sunlight. From there he teaches his followers about the dangerous emasculating properties of soy. He also educates his incel fans about Brain Force Plus, a nootropic supplement that provides a “sustained burst of energy”. What he fails to inform his audience is that their favourite mind pills contain, wait for it, soy! – Alex1. "I Don't Care What My Son Becomes… As Long As He Isn't Overweight" – Giles Coren
During the long, strange year, there have been some terrible takes. Yet none of them came close in absurdity to the Contrarian King himself, Giles Coren, who bowled all of us away last month by fat-shaming his infant son for a few hundred words. The piece manages to insult no less than: overweight people, the mentally ill, Vanessa Feltz, James Corden, Diane Abbott, Christopher Biggins, Russell Grant, Paul Hollywood, Wagner, the middle-class, the working-class, the entire LGBTQI community, God, Americans, nuclear physicists and his son. His poor son.And just like that, with the words, “I'd best get the chubby f*cker's jaw wired before he's old enough to stop me,” he won this years Worst Hot Take of the Year. See you in therapy, dad! – Angus@a_n_g_u_s / @allhorneTop image – Jeremy Corbyn: Chris McAndrew / CC By 3.0; Piers Morgan: Cow Pr / CC By 2.0; Kid rock: US Air Force; David Beckham: US Embassy; Kellyanne Conway: Michael Vadon / CC By 2.0; Avocado toast: Nan Palmero / CC By 2.0