I Offered to Bankroll My Niece’s Once-in-a-Lifetime Trip. I Unleashed a Much Larger Feud. (2024)

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My sister has always been obsessed with having a big family. The birth of my niece left her unable to have more kids. My sister mourned this for years until she and her husband decided to become foster parents. They ended up adopting a set of four siblings, two with severe disabilities.

My niece became basically a second parent to her siblings overnight. She is the last in line to get any time or attention from her parents and is made to feel guilty if she asks for normal things like money to see a movie. My sister refuses to hear any criticism about the situation.

It all came to a head when my niece won a national contest giving her the chance to go to Washington, D.C. this summer. My sister said they couldn’t afford to send her, so I offered to pay. My sister got angry with me and accused me of favoring my niece over her other kids and throwing money around (I give her other kids regular gifts and this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip). I told her she shouldn’t be punishing her daughter for her success and that I would just pay the school directly then. My sister retorted that she would refuse to give her permission for the trip. I am just furious about how personal and petty my sister is acting here. I haven’t spoken to anyone else about my offer. I know it will cause a big family fight but maybe my sister will back down. What should I do?

—Once in a Lifetime

Dear Once in a Lifetime,

Unfortunately, I think you have to accept your sister’s choice. It sounds like an unfair situation for your niece, and it’s wonderful that you’ve offered to help out, but if your sister has rejected your offer, you don’t have many options.

One thing you can do is to continue to emotionally support your niece. She might be feeling angry, frustrated, and neglected right now. Having someone in her corner to root for her and remind her that her accomplishments are worthy of celebration will help her get through those feelings. Tell your niece how proud you are of her and how much of an accomplishment you think this is. Encourage her to keep working toward her goals and tell her you’re always there to cheerlead her efforts. Try to do this without undermining your sister—you want the focus on her, not her mother. Let her know if she needs to talk or vent about anything, you’re there for her. The offer will go a long way.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My partner and I can’t agree on where to live. We’re both about to graduate from university (I’m 25, she’s 22) and are looking to take advantage of a government graduate loan program to help us buy a property to live in. We both stand to earn roughly the same amount per annum after graduation, so we can afford a half-decent place if we pool our resources together. The issue comes with the fact that the industry in which I have my degree is only really employing people on the north side of town. I am currently working in that industry and living about 20 minutes away from work. I am happy to move up to an hour or so away from work but given the long hours you work in this industry, the shorter the commute the better.

My partner is finishing a degree in education meaning she can work at any high school in the country. Unfortunately, she wants to live south of the city which means a minimum two-hour commute to work for me every day from the suburbs that we can afford. There are literally two places south of the city in my industry and they only employ someone new when the incumbent moves or dies so moving jobs to one of those southern options is a bit of a pipe dream. The only other option is to move rurally or interstate, which I imagine would be similarly insufficient for her given the associated distance from her family and community being such a sticking point in the first place.

I respect that her entire life is south of the city, her family, sport, and friends but to me, a two-hour commute to your parents’ house once a week at most is a better option than a two-hour commute both ways every single day. The logistical challenges, not to mention associated costs with either public transportation or car maintenance and fuel make this an incredibly unattractive option for me—especially for purchasing a starter home in a budget suburb. It’s not like we’re going to be able to buy the big family home the first time out (or ever if we’re realistic about this) I also feel as if my needs are being disregarded. I have family, community, and a sport, too. Why am I the one that has to, for want of a better term, lose out on all of my needs because she has needs to be met? I really feel at a loss with all of this. I love her and would love to marry her but this is such a problem and threatens to be such a sticking point for much longer that it gives me pause about the viability of the entire relationship. How can we possibly build a life together if we simply cannot see eye to eye on where to lay the foundations?

—Seriously Concerned About the Future

Dear Seriously Concerned About the Future,

Your situation sounds like an episode of House Hunters—if only sorting things out was as simple as jotting down a list of pros and cons while sipping on piña coladas. There are stickier issues at play here, which mostly seem to be that you feel ignored. And it’s bothering you enough that you’re even second-guessing your commitment to this person. So before you two can figure out where you want to live, you need to figure out how to navigate these kinds of problems in your relationship.

There seems to be a lack of clear communication between the two of you. You “imagine” your partner would like to be close to her family, but your uncertainty over the fact implies this isn’t something you’ve explicitly addressed. I could be wrong, but this suggests your partner might not realize you feel disregarded. Even if you’ve said as much, she might not know how much it’s bothering you. Does she know it has you questioning the entire relationship?

Before you give up on things, talk to her about how this whole situation is making you feel and see how she responds. It’s not just about the two-hour commute (which, yikes!). It’s also about your worry that your needs are being pushed aside. You might want to leave out the part about the viability of the relationship because this will put her in defense mode and make it harder for her to hear you out. But if the two of you are truly in a partnership, she should be willing to listen to your needs so that you can talk about a compromise.

You need to find a way to meet each other halfway, and in this case, it might be literal. Is there a neighborhood you both like somewhere between your job and her family? Can you move closer to your job but plan to visit family regularly on the weekends? The specific compromise matters less than your ability to find one together. Before the two of you commit to buying a home, you need to make sure you’re able to handle conflict. When you can work through the deeper issues affecting your relationship, the surface-level stuff is much easier to resolve.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’ve (M 50s) been dating a woman (40s) for a little over a year and we’re just at the point of discussing the possibility of living together. We’re both financially independent with roughly similar incomes and in a good place, but we need to figure out how to share expenses. I own my own home (paid off), while she’s been living in an apartment. I also have a teenager from a previous relationship who lives with me. And, whatever the arrangement, she’ll likely continue to spend close to half her time with her family, whom she visits and helps out most weekends and a lot of her off time. How do people divide up expenses in a situation like this?

—Looking for the Next Step

Dear Looking for the Next Step,

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution here—everyone will have different ideas of what’s fair. Ultimately, you’ll have to figure out what feels equitable to both of you. That being said, one option worth considering, especially if your home is already paid off and she won’t be staying there full-time, is to have her contribute toward the utilities and bills without paying rent. You can use this as a jumping-off point to figure out what you both think sounds reasonable. For example, you might want to split all the utilities down the middle while she might argue that it’s unfair to pay for half of groceries and electricity when she isn’t there on weekends. Or, she might feel uncomfortable not paying any rent and insist on contributing some portion, even if she’s at her family’s place half the time. Some other factors you might want to consider when making this decision are financial goals, household chores, and home maintenance costs. For example, in lieu of rent, could your partner contribute a monthly amount to a savings account dedicated to home repairs or maintenance?

Think about what feels most comfortable for you, then ask what feels most comfortable for her. If your visions don’t match up, then you can start working backward to find a solution that works for both of you. It’s a good idea to get this plan in place before move-in, however, so there are no surprises once you’ve already committed.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My parents are retiring at the end of the year and have strongly hinted that they want to relocate to be closer to me and, more importantly, their grandchildren. They want to “be a part of their daily lives” and “help with regular child care.” We have a great relationship and I’d love this. The problem is that the cost of living in my coastal city is much higher than where my folks currently reside. The only way they could afford such a move would be if I subsidized it—and the only way I could afford to subsidize it would be if the money came out of my kids’ current childcare budget. As in, I could pay my parents $20,000 a year, but then I couldn’t afford aftercare and summer camps. My folks would really need to commit to picking my boys up from school and watching them until 5:30 p.m. every day. Essentially, I feel like I’d be hiring my parents. Is this a terrible idea? What kinds of conversations do we need to have?

—Not Free Child Care

Dear Not Free Child Care,

In a nutshell, you’re trading one type of child care for another. The grandparents taking over child care means more time with family. However, there are drawbacks. Do a quick online search and you’ll find plenty of threads, articles, and blog posts that offer cautionary insights. Relying on family as full-time childcare can get tricky.

So what kinds of conversations do you need to have? At a minimum, you’ll want to talk to your folks about your expectations around schedules, parenting styles, activities, time off, and boundaries. Will your parents be planning activities for your kiddos that help with their development, the way teachers and daycare staff might? Are they going to take them on field trips? Will they find ways for them to socialize with other kiddos? Will there be lesson plans? How about meal prep? What’s the plan for sick days or vacations? How much outdoor time will the kids get? How will they be disciplined? To sum it all up, you’ll want to cover the following: schedule and hours, expectations and responsibilities, payment terms and financial arrangements, and boundaries and communication. Make a list of every concern you might have that falls under each of those categories.

You’re worried about whether this is a good idea for you, but your parents should make sure it’s a good idea for them, too. Caring for little ones can be fun, but it’s also exhausting work. Childcare workers are vastly underpaid, and when many grandparents take over that work, they can experience profound burnout. They might have a different vision for their retirement. Of course, the experience can also be extremely rewarding for everyone. So set yourself up for a positive experience, rather than an exhausting one, by laying out these expectations from the start.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

I’m bisexual and genderqueer, and I live with my long-term partner, also genderqueer. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with my mother due to her alcoholism and drug abuse and the fact that she stole my identity to open credit cards before I turned 18.